My Psychoanalysis Life: What Is The Lesson What Is The Lesson What Is The Lesson?
they are magic
I asked myself this question a million times today on my morning walk as I was thinking about something I hate about my institute and whether I will stay or go (go elsewhere to continue my training), and as of this writing I’m not sure what will be.
My Tarot friends and companions can safely assume I’ve consulted all the oracles to see what might be and/or what should be (yes it soothes anxiety and I’m a fairly good soothsayer, even for myself), although I’m not here to reveal my findings. Some people say there’s no such thing as a location cure, but I say that depends on the location. Every institute has its own culture, its own gurus, its own timeline (how long they want the training to take), style of teaching, leadership, group dynamic, and so on. They are not interchangeable. They all have their own feel, and I feel how things feel.
Some will say: you bring yourself wherever you go. To which I say: yes and no. There is such a thing as a “better fit” or a “good enough fit.” There’s also an “I love this place.” We bring ourselves wherever we go, but we also shift, depending on the environment. So this morning I was walking, caffeinated, feeling good, in the cold, in the sun, and asking myself: what is the lesson? And I got some answers and I felt satisfied and I had a lovely day at work. Today was the first day in a long time that I felt that level of breakthrough which I attribute to the walk. Since the semester started, I’ve been missing my Brooklyn walks.
In other news, New Yorkers are mourning the death of Flaco the Eurasian eagle owl. Vandals broke his cage a little more than a year ago, and I’d kept up with his whereabouts (many Flaco sightings on the Upper West Side) on Twitter. I particularly loved the fire escape photos. Just last month I asked my dentist if he’d seen him. I don’t know why I thought to ask my dentist this, but maybe because the tenth floor patient chair has a view of the city, and a perfect place for a big owl to land. (If only my analyst had such a view instead of that stupid metal box of an office.) My dentist said he’d never seen him, but he had heard him. I remembered my recent days (years, actually) in Florida, after Trump’s win and right before Covid. Those years. There were owls in the live oak outside my house. I’d never heard an owl in person and certainly not so close. They are magic.
New Yorkers are heartbroken. People are leaving flowers and drawings and notes by one of his favorite trees. If I remember correctly, he lived over a decade in captivity and his enclosure wasn’t even big enough for him to fly. They assumed he wouldn’t know how to hunt, but his instincts kicked in as the many photos (with rat in mouth) can attest.
I saw one snarky tweet. It felt like she didn’t want us to love him. Or maybe she wanted to be loved so much. But I don’t think there’s anyone who is happy about New York City these days.
Surely there’s an unconscious reason why I told that Flaco story in the middle of my story about changing schools. Are we the vandals of our lives? When is a repetition a repetition or just a smart decision? Some people leap without thinking and some people wait too long. I said to someone recently: it will take me the rest of my life. This training, this process. The rest of my life. If I continue, if I finish. What will the world be like so many years from now? There’s a feeling I’m after. The new-agers would call it a “vibrational match.” So we’ll see. I’ll keep you updated.
To be continued
xo
